Thoughts about this blog have been circulating and recirculating in my head every night as I sit in Sam's dimly lit nursery, his soft suckling a background to my racing mind that is so active at four in the morning. A place to record this crazy reality warp that is motherhood, a place to respond to the newness of responsibility and dependency and utter love, a place to discover this sparkling self that is emerging with the introduction to a Sam-filled life. The idea that it is just time to jump in and start writing. As honestly as possible and as passionately and lovingly as I am able, even when the subject matter may be difficult. To open up and spill out here and hopefully inspire others to do the same. Mothers, artists, thinkers, whomever may be motivated by the essence of being human and imperfect. This little person is amazing. His curiosity and sense of wonderment is completely mesmerizing. The chance to look at the world through Sam's fresh and new eyes, noticing the play of light against the wall, the movement of color, and the intricacies of faces and voices, allows the moment to take center stage. There is no choice but to be present. The speed at which babies mature is astounding. Each day brings a new development. His eyes see a little further, he becomes more aware of his hands and that they provide some sucking relief, his legs become more aggressive in their kicking, his thighs grow in order to fit the cloth diapers....I can see now why parents say that it all goes so quickly.
As much as I have grappled with the immense change a baby has brought to my day-to-day life, I am also aware at how quickly nine weeks has flown. The baby that we brought home from the hospital is not the same baby that smiles at us each morning. Not only has Sam's weight and height increased, but his personality is shining through. I watch him in his quiet moments, often when he is lying in his crib staring at his birds that G-ma made for him, and sense that he is already an introspective little human, a watcher and gatherer of visual information. I relish his voice as well though, his ability to make very clear what he needs and wants. Never lose that little Sam.