Yesterday I felt adrift. Not able to anchor on anything solid that felt like myself. It is always a scary place to be, free floating and lost in thoughts of the past. Part of the reason that I have picked up The Power of Now again, attempting to ingest what I can from Eckhart Tolle's wise words. Being in the moment, realizing that you are not your thoughts, letting your ego exist separately from your true self...such easy things to type and such incredibly hard concepts to embody and practice daily. My thoughts love to be in charge. I know that I let them take me over, shape me, painting not such lovely portraits of who I am.
These concepts feel even more important as I look at my little son, a canvas still so blank, color slowly creeping in as the weeks go by. Some black lines as well, which are inevitable and actually give great definition and composition to life. I am going to screw up this mothering thing at times, of course, but I want to be conscious of those blips as much as possible and learn from them...teach him, guide him, watch him grow like a flower.
It is important that I keep doing the things from my former life that made me me. I feel this necessity deep in my bones and have to remember that a happy and healthy mom makes a better and more enthusiastic mother....I don't have to be the 24 hour parent, looking and loving and doing for my son at every waking moment. I can't. I will burn up. And plus he seems to enjoy his time alone in his crib or bouncy seat or with his daddy or grandparents.
I think that part of my struggle yesterday was feeling like all facets of my former world were changed. My body is not in the same shape that it was then. I didn't spend my days breast-feeding and changing dirty diapers. My sleep was rarely interrupted except if Olive had to go outside for the rare midnight pee. I just feel different in my bones. But what I have to remind myself is that this is all okay...My body will return. My daily doings will change. My sleep will come back (at some point or I will just get less and function fine). I now have the astounding little person Sam in my life, a gift that I didn't previously get to enjoy and learn from.