I drove away with a little anxiety creeping up the back of my throat. Should I turn the car around and rescue my dear friend? Should I continue driving and get to my workout late? This was the first time I had left Sam with someone other than family. It wasn't a matter of trust or of capability in regards to my friend. It was just the natural pull of mother to baby. It was the need to leave him to fulfill myself and the dire need to be close to him. One wave rolled in and I wanted to run away and claim pieces of my former life, while another came crashing in and I only desired little Sam in my arms.
Leaving him with those that are dear to me, who enrich my own life, feels like I am giving him little gifts. New perspectives, new arms, new voices, new love...I want him to know others. But it is so difficult at the same time, as my life intertwines with his more and more tightly as the days tick by.
I didn't turn the car around. I went and sweated my heart out while feeling my muscles return to me. And I came back a better mama, one ready to take her little boy back into her arms. He had cried most of the time. But the next time will be better, for all of us.