November 3, 2018
I have been compelled to start blogging again, to make writing more of a consistent thing. And then I log-in and find this unposted entry below from May. The feelings and thoughts alive then are still pertinent and on the surface today, almost 6 months later.
May 18, 2018
Today I have spent a good part of the day alone. Anonymous in the big city of Seattle, no one to take care of or accommodate. Moving as a solo being through the streets, stopping at stores at will and having dinner alone with a glass of wine and my book. This is what I have been wishing for. Right?
A few weeks ago I was distraught with parenting, with my parenting, with the thoughts that haunt me when sleep is not adequate and my pre-menstrual hormones are raging. In those moments I want to run away. I want to abandon being a mom. I want to be not needed by anyone in my life. I want to read and paint and exercise and eat by myself. One night I just cried to Jamie, convinced that I was depressed and confessing that I wanted to want to be a mother, a good and present mother, but I just couldn't right then. Lots of tears and release, admittance that pre-motherhood sounded really juicy and rich and freeing.
And then I woke up with my period and the universe shifted. I am tracking my menstrual cycle and realizing for maybe the first time in my life, after being on the pill for 10 years (!) and then having two babies, that I am experiencing PMS. That hormones are playing a big part in my desire to be part of my family, to function as a mom. But I am also realizing that the desire is related to my honesty. The vulnerable state of saying, "this is hard and sometimes I don't want to play this role". The tears. The acceptance of who I am. Truthfulness has brought me through to the other side, a place that is definitely more harmonious and enjoyable but that wouldn't be possible without the dark. Going through the feelings has brought me greater presence with my kids, more curiosity and amazement at the interesting and beautiful people that they are, and just more acceptance that this is what my life looks like right now. And that is ok.
it feels like a revelation actually. I admitted in therapy the other day that I feel like the fuck up in my marriage. The one that has all of the big feelings and the doubts and the struggles and the issues. But slowly, oh so slowly, I am realizing that the murkiness and the messiness does really have that lotus blossom blooming in it. That the light cannot exist without the dark.
I had a really good time by myself tonight. But I also thought of my husband sitting across from me at dinner. I thought of my kids taking in Pike Place Market with all of its different sights and smells. I thought of moving as a unit through space and how much I value that togetherness and sense of family that we have cultivated.