While I was pregnant and even afterwards for a spell I dwelt in the world of what-have-I-done and what-freedoms-have-I-lost-by-becoming-a-mom. The spontaneity and independence of life seemed to have been sucked away and in its place I was stuck at home in my pajamas feeling like my main purpose was similar to a dairy cow. It is one of the most massive shifts I have ever made in my life, going from kid-free to mommy-hood, and the transition was really difficult. As time have passed and Sam is now in his tenth week of being out in the world these feelings have shifted. Yes, I can't do everything that I want when I want to and I might have to leave the social event earlier than everyone else (at least I am lucky enough to go at all! Thanks husband and grandparents.), but I am realizing that my work now is so much more than me. And that through this acceptance has come a productivity level and a forward momentum that I was not expecting to appear in my life at this time. Having another person that is so dependent to focus on instead of my own concerns has made me actually get more done in my own life! What a revolutionary happening! My mentor pointed this out to me last night as we sat at Lotus Cafe: you were so worried about not being able to do things with the birth of Sam and instead you are taking more big steps since his arrival. How true.
I have quit my job. I have decided to start this blog. I am continuing to brainstorm ideas and possible art projects. I am able to live my life as well as be the best mom that I can be. It is because of Sam. It really is. Not only does his presence make my alone time more precious and therefore productive, but I also want to exemplify for him that it is possible to work towards your dreams and desires regardless. That life is full and rich and that we are all put on this earth to let our true beings out. I hope that he always feels like he can do this...that he lives a life that he is proud and happy and curious about.